Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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