Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
