A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize