so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
