Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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