i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
