i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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