you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
