i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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