apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
