I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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