JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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