we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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