Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
