so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
