WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
