You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
