How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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