Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
