I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
