I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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