Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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