There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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