my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
