My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I die, sorry about rent.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
