We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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