I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
