Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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