Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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