i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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