That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
A bitchslap is in order.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
