Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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