I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize