Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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