I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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