I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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