Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
