When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
