I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
