I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
