fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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