dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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