I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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