I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
