ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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