I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Please don't give away my fajitas
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
