Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
