I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
