Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
