dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
