God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
