I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
