He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
