The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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