I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize