hell yes lets make some ravioli
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
