so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
