Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
