i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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