hotel room ftw
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
